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How’s it going? I know I’ve been ghosting from writing anything for the past year…lots of things haven’t happened or at least not what I was expecting. However, in life, do we ever “expect” anything that happens?

Be it by our own design or circumstances beyond our control, me being the former, life is what it is for me as I type this. I, unfortunately, crashed earlier this year. I got nervous about trying to find a job and I just froze. You know, like standing still and not like that song from Jewel where she’s just in a nice t-shirt, jeans and driving a car in the outback where there are burning trees.

As I did that I just got scared out of my mind. This never was supposed to happen. I was supposed to keep the job I had and do what I was supposed to do even though I didn’t care for it in the slightest as it revolved around being in front of people usually and not just being in the background doing computer work. But no, I got laid off due to the terror of Covid, which seriously by this point is getting on my nerves with all the variants coming out of the woodwork and not giving a break. Also, get the vaccinated and the booster as well when able as I need to get said booster as well. I digress though.

I was frozen and then went into a mild depression living day by day, fearing over getting my taxes done for 2021 and still worrying what 2022 will bring since I didn’t find a job this year. That is on a random point I decided to get some dumbbells and start strength training. Nothing big since I’m not sure why I did it. I was gaining weight and being sad or depressed. When I did some reps I slowly started liking it. This was in June. I have made progress by keeping at this new ethic to better my mind and body and with the changes of feelings, I am starting to find some hope, though I still hold fear I won’t find anything next year or at least not trying.

Money is stable but I put myself in a mild tailspin with making some transfers and fretting that and I dare not say anything to my mom. I know, I’m almost 37 and still worry what she thinks and that’s something I do need to work on. Anyway money aside, I’m in a better mindset from then and getting slowly inspired to start writing blogs and fan fiction again.

Yes, I still want to do something with my writing and put myself out there without fear or anxiety so I can at least make something and take advantage of my living situation. Why is writing important you might ask, which you didn’t but if you got to this part you will read this since…well you are through the looking glass at this point so keep traveling Alice.

As I mentioned writing is an important deal for me, it helps express the feelings I have in an eloquent fashion compared to actually talking. I’m not a bad talker as I usually use a logical if not sarcastic way of speaking and I really try to come across as being nonplussed or chill when in reality I’m just an “emo-hipster” by some of my friends.

Even though that my love of writing is intact I am aware that most of my blog posts and fan fiction have come to a halt. The reason is just not knowing what to do in my life at the moment, Covid (not that I have gotten it but the uncertainty), and my own lack of drive due to insecurity. All this contributes to my frozen time of writing and just getting through the day.

That said it hasn’t been all that terrible. Weight lifting has improved my mindset and I’m trying to eat better though I can be better with it. I think I’ve even lost some weight thanks to it which is a good thing as being depressed about losing the job after a year was and still is a drag. I do blame myself even though logically I did what I was supposed to do and the only reason was it required me to be in the building and couldn’t due to the office being closed. I’m aware some of the people I knew have also moved on or still work there and I keep in contact with some.

Though I have gotten over my fear of going outside and going to the movies like I used too though not in such large amounts. There’s something about just going to a movie by yourself which is nice and just getting out of the house and breathing in some air (with a mask of course).

I was able to hang out with Mike for a while this year and I’ll admit I teared up when we were able to see each other to see Black Widow since the last film we saw was Birds of Prey in 2020 before we went into lockdown. We have seen that, The Suicide Squad and The Eternals, which were all good. I also will be seeing Spider-Man NWH (No Way Home) on my birthday if all goes as planned so that’s something that will be fun to see.

Even though I still have some lingering resentment due to what’s happened I still feel I can get through whatever happens. No matter what happiness or sadness awaits.

I am fine and I will not give up writing or my passion. Enjoy the holidays and let’s see what 2022 brings us.