, ,

“Do you know where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you?”

How those lyrics ring truth. Do You Know Where You’re Going is a song from Diana Ross from the movie Mahogany.

I’ve never watched it but I do enjoy the song for what it represents and it especially holds some resonance with me currently with this feeling of amounting to more in my life instead of standing by.

Where do I begin with this? I think it started last night surprisingly enough when I was watching some anime that seemed to have got me by the feels about being 30 and not knowing what to do with your life.

I have no girlfriend, no drivers license, I still live at home with my mom, full time job I’m content with and some cool friends or ones I invite in my life which makes me happy but is that there is with it? Am I deluding myself a sense of security of not going with what I want?

I’ve never been abroad nor have I been anywhere besides where my mom goes or when I need a break from the normalcy of being home enjoying what I do…but it feels like that’s not enough.

I discovered I do enjoy writing but how would I go about making some career out of that? What avenues do I need to just take the plunge with this passion instead of going to work? I do like it and I get paid good money but I would take a pay cut (by a lot) if I were to just say, “I quit”.

For the most part I am a cautious person by nature or how I was raised and to be honest I blame my mother for not always going out as well. Yes she never was the one to deny me but it’s not like I saw her go out much with “friends” either and consciously or not, I adapted to that same mindset with “doing nothing” or at least “being somewhat productive” on the weekend, instead of going out there.

I can’ tell if what I do on the regular is good or not? I mean, I know it’s good having a job but what about what drives you. My body is complacent and does what I’m supposed to do, go to work, find out what needs to be done, deal with unwanted frustrations and what not, go home, BS around and sleep late to do it all over again.

It’s not like it’s challenging but there is more to this right? When do I decide to just live? And not by the whole “breathing and doing” , I mean live life. To have fun and make new discoveries so boredom doesn’t set in, to experience love, change avenues and continue until I find the one and have married bliss and have kids.

That’s my want in this life; to be loved and love in return. To have family, to establish that I’m not just wasting space…

My main problem is I lack nerve with anything I do. From driver’s license to even deciding to go about my job to write, even if it’s a blog and even a minor book, that’s what I want to do. I enjoy the simplicities and frustration of putting ideas to paper or in this case digital paper with a laptop.

A decade ago I was in school and I think back on it now and I had no clue what I wanted. I did what was told of me and I somehow got my job at a law firm dealing with Records Management intel.

It’s not something I want to do for my whole life, law work is something that just dropped in my lap when I took the chance to find a job and low and behold there was an opening where I got paid some decent cash.

The line between being realistic and having a dream job is a thin line. If I followed said passion would that make me feel complete? What I’m looking for is a sense of fulfillment. I have this strong yearning for something I can’t get out. It’s a feeling of what once was passed to a future I want to happen for myself to give me some check mark that I can say I did.

It’s these emotions that compel me to wake up one night with tears, which confused me but my heart ached and chest tightened over something I couldn’t grasp with my own hands.

It’s not depression, I know that but something else. I feel complacent with what I am doing which sucks since life shouldn’t be complacent but I get scared of not knowing what will occur.

“Will I find love?” “Will I succeed?” Will I do this task?”

Those questions flow in my head so much it becomes suffocating. What will make me feel complete? Am I reaching for something that won’t occur or am I being greedy? Should I know my limits and continue to start striving?

When I hear “The Grass is Greener on the Other Side” it makes me wonder of others that have said things? Is there life perfect? Heck no, everything comes with a sort of hardship and I’m just not there yet.

“Go with what you want,you aren’t getting any younger” I heard someone say to me. If anything were that simple than I truly don’t think either of us would be at said job out of necessity.

I never thought life would turn out like this to be honest. I thought I’d be a hip bachelor but that was my 20ish brain back then. I think about my past self, in the safety of a classroom with classmate that meant something to me but now, we are strangers in life, trying to get by with barely a “hello” or a text.

That’s not to say my life is bad but I feel there can be so much more and not college but something that I can feel I accomplished on my own merits and away from my mom’s expectations.

Granted I’ve gotten over it but I am vigilante with how I view her at times. Yearning for what has gone is a typical human response, depending on the person. I thought I was someone for the future but now I see I’m more of someone that craves and yearns for the past; I can’t view the future with confidence at times.

I am scared if I can accomplish this dream I discovered because I don’t want it falling on deaf ears without doing something. And this adds to my other feelings of melancholy, frustration and skepticism.

But even through all that a part of me believes that I will at least be all right but it’s a small part. I just need to find my own rhythm and confidence to achieve all my goals I set for myself.

I lack nearve. That’s always been my biggest problem, I can’t be strong with what I want or desire. I hesitate at a crucial moment and go with a half-ass reply of “I tried my best”. No, I didn’t, I lack nearve. That’s what I need to overcome this mishap of life.

Do I enjoy my life? Yes, I do like the things I do have and cherish but I also know there is more plateaus I need to continue. There is a point I want to be strong like my father figure in my life and confident like he is. That is my ideal…because he is the one to break me out of a certain mindset I had when I was around my early 20’s before leaving school and I love him for it.

Yes, I still keep in touch and our bond is as strong as ever and I am forever appreciative of it and him.

I do know that this is something I must do for myself in order to grow and be the man I want to be and not one that exudes confidence and is kind of a douche, a kind man that follows his own integrity and sense of justice.

Wow that kind of sounds ideal but dreams and what you yearn for is just that; an ideal of something you want.

I’m glad I wrote this down as it made my head less stuffy and this too is a part of me improving my writing and being concise. I won’t quit with these blog entries or reviews; I’m doing them for me which is what is most important.

Do you know where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to? Do you know? Do you get what you’re hoping for? When you look behind you there’s no open doors? What are hoping for do you? …

I’m not sure if I regret anything or even if I do I’m not saying it but I’ll continue (not like I have a choice) with little changes…in order to achieve my one goal.

And that is…to be someone worth loving and cool.

Later days everyone.