Today’s entry revolves around inner turmoils (that might not be big but are for me).
*Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve missed you!*
Yeah I know, why would I go into some explanation about this given I’m a grown adult? Well the answer is simple; we all have some anxiety or frustration that can get the better of us. This is my way of saucing out and showing (to myself when I read this over) that I have changed and putting in perspective of what I should do to better myself or get rid of these festering emotions like a ball of critters.
*Still a creepy image…I watched this movie as a kid and enjoyed it*
As of this year I’ve been doing some activities by myself (the none mastabating kind) which is going to the movies by myself. Yeah I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal for a majority of people given it’s getting your ass up and doing it but me it’s a tad bit different.
I for one don’t normally, depending if I need to run errands, go out to experience “life”. I am perfectly content of hanging home and either binge watch or re-watch a show/anime, play a videogame or write blogs or fan fiction and be very happy. However even that at times gets stale and need a change of pace.
So if you’ve been paying attention to any that I write on here, I’ve written reviews of movies I’ve seen and by doing that (going to movies) it broke me out of my shell to go out and do something. I have also taken a liking to going in the morning because why the hell not?
There’s something about waking up and prepping to go to a movie by 10 am or an hour later where you can greet the morning and it feels so different from when I go to work. Not sure what but the scenery look much cleaner or better from my perspective.
Did I also forget that am showings are cheap? Like flipping 6 dollars and I’m hype for that shit!! I don’t think I’m frugal but come on, tickets nowadays cost quite a bit, especially if you go see something like Captain America: Civil War in 3D! That was like 18 dollars for tickets!
When I first went to go see an AM film my mom was shocked, “Why do you want to go this early?” she caw relentlessly at me as if I broke some rule that one should only go in the flipping afternoon.
For a moment I was abashed but then realized I was an effing adult. Now I didn’t yell or whatever (that would defeat the purpose and I also need to learn to assert myself in the correct settings) I easily replied something like “Ma, there’s no rule saying I CAN’T or SHOULDN’T go!” and left it at that.
Let’s just say that left her stunned.
We can say that was when she realized that I’m not some kid needing mommy to go out and about for one, she always whines/complains/gripes/comments “You need to go out there and experience life!” whatever that means.
Now this is where I get to the heart of the matter; that sentence. That is what my mom at times says to me. She thinks/wants me to go outside and experience life like “go out with friends and go out and about! Go to a club!”
Whenever she says that makes me feel conflicted for one, “going to a club” is not my forte. I find the notion to go clubbing rather stereotypical since that was never in my system. I have no strong urge to go to some club where I can’t dance or interact with people I don’t know or get nervous (at least with ones I don’t know).
I get what she means though, I need to go out there and make friends or hang, which is what I do at times. From these entries I either hang out with Mike or some other friends and go to said movies. Of course I find myself slipping into a pattern where I and my friend/friends need to do something a little different and make a day out of it.
There is one I can remember that I was out of the house all day and that was Free Comic Book Day around May where I hung out with Mike and that was fun. Didn’t get back home till 8tish.
Than I hear my mom say the same thing recently…what? I know I might have calmed down with going to the movies, which is either money related or nothing good is out yet, and she once again says club or something.
Either she doesn’t listen or it goes in halfway. She asked me if I have friends I have outside work. That is not complicated but it’s rather limited. I would only hang with one’s I’ve bonded with like Mike or some others I hang with from when I was a teenager.
It make me have some anxiety that I might be limited but as I type and remember it’s not like I’m completely hopeless with it. So I don’t go and do typical shit with a big group of friends or go on a vacation.
Which when saying that is rather sad since I’ve never experienced going with a friend or few to a place by ourselves…that desperately needs to change really. Though I do think about it since I am an adult and would like to really.
Another thing that made me frustrated over my mom’s ramblings is that she doesn’think I have friends or ones she doesn’t know. Granted I say again, I’m very selective on who I befriend/ either off work hours or not. Yeah people at work I wouldn’t hang with (depending) but I still text them on the weekend if I’m really close to troll.
Yeah this is coming full circle since one, I want to show mother dear I can go “hang out” for hours but I think that would be wrong since I’m not doing it for myself. Given how technology is nowadays it’s easy to befriend people online but that, of course, is met with some danger as you don’t really see said person behind the screen and can be different from what they originally are.
That comes with some danger and I admit, it can be concerning that if someone you might be cool with could turn on you over a baseless comment to cause a shit storm.
I get though my mom and her generation come from a period where they did random stuff like go to a club or other random activities that force them to have personal contact which me and my generation seem to be neglecting at times…
What really hurts is that I think that she doesn’t think I have friends or ones that I should force myself to see on a weekly basis or something. It really depends on the circumstances, some of my friends don’t drive or they do and are busy. I’m still working on getting my license (as in waiting till next year since that’s when the stupid thing expires) or even medical issues.
I just dislike when she just says to go out and do something. There’s a balance to what you can do along with. I “do” something but not what is expected since I’m getting older and need to find someone (a girlfriend, which she at times mentions for some odd reason!!)
Yes I know I need to put myself out there but I have limited experience with females, I’m an effing virgin for Serenity’s sakes and masturbate like any guy when they need a release of endorphins (aka horney). If anyone would tell me where or what to do since I’ve never been on a date it would be much appreciated.
It get’s really frustrating that if and when I do tell my mom this it feels like she doesn’t listen at times or, I suspect, she does but forgets due to she’s forgetful. No she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s (thank the omnipotent goddess and or deities that constructed the fabled world of hope and anarchy) but more “it slips her mind”.
Though I love my mother and she loves me, there are times where parents don’t really understand their children. You try showing and prove you are an adult that can make clear choices without consent and even hold conversations without beckoning but at times, feel the need to step in.
That baffles my mind. Yeah one with no experience over certain things would make you feel that you have to step in but sadly enough moms/dads won’t be around forever and we have to establish that we can make choices for ourselves along with what makes us happy.
Even though I don’t have a BIG group of friends, the select few I do have is the ones I cherish in this point of my life. We get in stupid arguments and might not agree on some shit but there is a genuine bond of acceptance which is something I take seriously, being one that likes “childish cartoon” as some still have the view of.
*Yes I have a thing for friendship power*
So this is where I stand, I am still trying to spread my wings and eventually it will happen, I don’t plan of living with my mother forever. Yeah I have anxiety over one day leaving home to start my own independent lifestyle of bachelorhood where I can drink beer on a Saturday morning and random rude noises without fear of ridicule and maybe/finally (hopefully) score one with an attractive female, get to know her for a while as we fall madly in love than go to town since we are nothing but mammals so we can do it as we see on the Discovery channel!
If you got the reference to what I just said, congrats, you were corrupted by a late 90’s song that I heard as a 14 year old and laughed my ass off.
*Listen to it!*
But yeah, those are my current issues at the moment. Did it work? Yes I believe so since I feel a weight has been lifted. Currently though, other than my mom’s own view of things, I am showing more appreciation to her as of late, since she is my only mother and all that jazz.
That’s it for this though, thanks for reading!! Later days!!