Tags

, ,

Hello everyone, this is Jeff and I’m going to be talking about something that’s been on my mind for a while.

When you think of the word “love” what does it mean to you? When you’re at a mall and just wandering around and see couples you can see them being rather comfy with each other and think “wow, they look happy with each other!”

*Miaka/Tamahome epic love*

*Usagi/Mamoru; another power couple that declares their love for all to hear*

*What about my feelings for you?*

Going by the title of this post “unrequited” this gives you an answer to how this will be today. 

Not even sure how I can begin this given its personal and something I’d never thought I‘d write about it in the first place.

I’ll begin with this than; I have experienced unrequited crushes and even something close to “love” ever since I was in high school being a rouge freshman. 

Yeah what does a kid know about love in the first place?

*Yeah what do kids know?*

Well you would be right, I’m not sure what it means to be in love or to be accurate, I know what it means to have your own romantic feelings and delusions of falling for someone hard and they don’t recuperate your own which can down right suck and be close to heartbreak.

Being 31 I’ve never had what you would call a “A to B” love life given I’m an introverted, shy guy who still likes playing RPG’s on a PlayStation on a Friday night and getting comfy with the pictures of breasts on the net at times and fighting the urge to “HNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!” all night long.

*Ladies we won’t deny that you do have bodily function noises if you acknowledge guys do this*

I mean you try doing that and continue till you are at zero until you have to get nourishment and water and just relax after the affair of the sword in hand. Sorry about that.

Anyway, I’ve never had a girlfriend due to my personality along with, being a teen, I didn’t know what it meant to “be a boyfriend” and it didn’t really bother me for the most part. I mean I think I just wanted friends back then and didn’t really care about females in that way to be honest.  They were attractive but not like I was going to go up and give them my number.

And don’t look surprised but I never stroked the rod until I was 19 so…yeah, circumstances.  Ok last dick sentence and going on about this love thing.

Along with being a “Cherry boy” (virgin). I know I didn’t have to say anything but given this is already effing personal why deny it? I find it a curse at times but everyone I know just says it’s nothing to be ashamed of along with it’s rather rare for a guy to be one so I’m kind of a hot cometary.

Image result for b gata h kei

*It’s a sacred thing*

Unrequited means “having romantic feelings for someone but they don’t”. Having it pretty much can be a joyful emotion at first, you find a female (or male if you are female or gay) you think about all the positives about them and how they can do no wrong.

Along with blushing when you think of being in a romantic situation like a balcony on a cold winter night, you have a drink in your hand and then like some unforeseen force you see your crush right there in a pretty dress as she’s just contemplating life (or she could just have gas but you don’t care, could smell like roses and honey!) and you give a shy smile and you think this is the moment where you reveal your feelings to her!! 

Than you take the plunge, you reveal to her your inner most love or care for her as you give yourself on a silver platter for her to take the plunge!! You wait a couple of seconds which feels like an eternity than you see her give a sad smile and tell you that she thinks of you as nothing but a friend or big brother and that she already is dating someone who is great but still likes you as a friend.

After that the world feels like is destroyed, you let out these romantic feelings as if you got out a good belch (sorry, I’m a guy and stuff like this is fun) and now it’s nothing but embarrassment and even anger.

That’s unrequited (for me) in a nutshell (given that scene was made up for comedic purposes) and it’s something I’ve been sadly used to.  Now this is just my experience with not following through or even at times me revealing these feelings. 

*About to get heavy*

To begin this my very first crush and unrequitedness’s began in my freshman year of high school, her name was Edith (I never learned her last name) and I found her attractive as a fourteen-year old.

I met her on the bus after experiencing my first pep rally and I didn’t care for it. It was something I’d leave to the other people I didn’t know that were part of my year while leaving the spirit cheering to the black girls who were on fire with it. 

Edith was a grade older and we soon became friends. Not sure when I thought of her as a crush but when you hang out with or getting to know each other I guess it hits you like a bag of bricks. We’d talk and before we went our separate ways we gave each other a hug.  That was my first guy-girl platonic hug and I enjoyed them.

After some months I developed feelings for her and I believe she was aware of them but was polite enough not to let it bother her.  Now she didn’t string me along as she did “care for me as a friend” while I let my imagination run wild.

Can’t exactly pinpoint it down but I did tell her and she suspected. It wasn’t like I was heartbroken but it was nice still having her as a friend along with she was the first girl I kissed. Ok, it was on the cheek but kissing another girl is a big thing for a dork like me so I get points for that!!

Typing this down I still feel nostalgic for my first crush or even “love” but it’s, like I said, nostalgia from what was.  Even after that I made her some chocolates from Home Ec. that she liked and even gave to her mom and brother, the found it tasty.

Of course she had drama and I believe she left home and last time I checked, which was around my high school years, she shacked up with a guy and I believe they got married. Don’t ask how because even I didn’t comprehend it but I do hope she is doing well in life.

My feelings didn’t betray me and I didn’t feel crummy…still stings with first love. 

Actually now that I think about it Edith was my “high school crush” and my very first crush was my best friend’s sister when I was in elementary school; her name was Cheryl and I had a BIG one for her. I think its standard for a boy to fall for the sister at some point, it was a flight of fancy and I do cherish it for what it was.

Another unrequited love was a girl named Tara and that didn’t go nowhere but it was kind of awkward talking when we had nothing to talk about so that was a close one but I did write her a note and she liked me “as a friend”.

Yeah that’s my role, being the good-golly funny friend!

*IK right*

So in high school I never did experience having an actual girlfriend as I was believed when I was a kid and thought teens were SUPPOSED to get them and have fun while hanging at the mall and doing stuff.

Something else happened that was a minor bleep in my freshman year though, I was walking fast to get to my last class of the day and the halls were crowded trying to get through. As I passed by some female she gave my butt a pinch and blew me a kiss.

*Can’t process information*

I was green and bewildered that happened and ran off while blushing. I never knew why she did that and I didn’t even know her; I  guess she liked my ass? That’s ironic because I don’t really like my rectum since I don’t have pancake butt…and that’s the only time I touch on my own body issues.

My next crush came when I went to a trade school, I’m not going into specifics about that since it’s a touchy subject regarding my schooling but when I was 19 a girl was 18 asked if I could be her boyfriend and I said yes.

Now it wasn’t this big thing and thinking on it, horrible idea because I didn’t have the emotional maturity to carry a title. Don’t get me wrong, she kissed me and I enjoyed it but I didn’t’ know how to feel or be and in the end I did break her heart by saying I couldn’t be her boyfriend. 

It was a small school and there was a rumor from her friends I was “playing her” which was BS due to I was minding my business being on the net so it ran its course.  We did remain friends for a year before she moved.

My early 20’s was notwithstanding and didn’t get any action. Only tail I chased was, and I kid you not, I was working at a college for work experience as an intern and I walking back to the office till I saw a female with auburn hair, nice figure and by God a sweet ass!  I’m not a butt man, I like breasts but that ass was perfect and it looked SOOOOOOO good in them jeans. I kept a small distance and kept staring at it (I was blushing all the while) before I broke myself free from the spell and called it a day.

Another time during my run of interning at a college another girl, who I didn’t care for but treated with respect, liked teasing me and pinched my ass. Seriously what power does my ass have?! Do females have an ass fetish I’m unaware of?

*How I felt when my ass got attacked*

*Seriously how can they find it attractive; it’s a butt!*

So where does that leave me now with some awkward years? Ah yes, my work days as an adult. I’ve had 3 major crushes at work and they never panned out.  I don’t want to talk about that since one I had a crush didn’t keep in contact when I emailed so…that stung a lot. Another at work was one I worked with and told her but there was a religious background so that immediately wasn’t going to work.

Then there was the time I fell for another receptionist and I found her “homey” like one of them warm Southern girlfriend’s…my co-workers said don’t say that, which to this day I’m still wondering why about that phrase.

There was another and to make a long story short, it never went anywhere due to various circumstances but I did have strong feelings for.

Do you see the pattern here?  I can fall head over heels with females and think the world of them but it all turns to dust in the end either due to me not saying anything and being content or telling them and getting rejected.

I’m inexperienced with love as a whole. I know I felt some version of “love” but with my own not knowing the full depths of my feelings it came to somewhat sting or at one point think that I will never find someone just for me…

*The person only for me*

The thing is I truly believe love is the strongest thing in this world and stop me if this is getting cliché, it can transcend hatred. When I think of love what comes to mine is declaring your feelings and passion to the person you love as they run into your arms and kiss passionately.

The sweet nothings of words, the glances you share between one another, holding hands, arguments, make ups, it is so foreign to someone like me that I can never truly know what it means on an emotional level since I think with my head.

*Sums it up via inner Chandler*

Of course that can be contradicted with me being sensitive and a dear friend actually told me that sensitivity doesn’t mean emotionally weak but just feeling on a deeper level and saying that I do feel with my heart when it comes to the ones in my life that I do cherish.

I am sardonic and witty but they say those ones hide a kind of pain that no one would suspect.  The one reason I truly want love is because I do feel lonely…I get lonely easy even if I don’t admit it. That could be an excuse or the real reason is because that life is so fleeting and we take it for granted that we will live forever.

That is a lie; we will not live for all eternity. Human life is finite and it might appear to be a long life but it really is short. We live on through the families we create via blood relation or not. 

How can something so precious and lovely leave so many tiny scars?

*Do you like what you see, exposing this side of me?*

The thing is I need to be more active with my life even though I’m scared. Yes, I can admit that I’m scared of the unknown.  Of taking that chance but I know I have to.

*It’s hard being confident and having swag at times*

What does it mean to love someone? Do we love by our brains since it’s one of the essential parts of our being or is the heart that pumps blood through our entire bodies? Can the heart truly be broken or is it the brain that comprehends the fact we feel sad and despair?

*It’s nothing but logic*

When it comes to love why does it hurt that you have feelings for someone and they can’t accept your feelings? Are your feelings inadequate to the one they love?

*The one I thought I loved*

Why am I fighting for something I’m afraid will never happen to me in the first place?

*Will it happen?*

What makes people yearn for love so much?

*You do nothing but break my heart*

I don’t have an answer for others however for me I’ve come up with a single answer; it’s because I don’t want to live the rest of my life alone, it’s too much to bare to live a life without love or to spend the rest of your life with and grow old.

*Hug!*

The reason I feel so strongly for bonds is the fact I am lonely…and the one act of being in and finding love just seems so big to me. Call it getting older or whatever but I’ve been thinking of having a family one day…to have someone say the words, “Jeffrey, I love you too,” and not as “just a friend” but honestly being in love with me and vise-versa. Someone to accept my fault, to experience the joys of life and knowing that there is no greater happiness then love.

*Goddess of Love*

I guess one can say I’m “in love with love” and I wouldn’t deny it but I did honestly fall for these ladies that had some impact in my life at some point even though it was nothing but a candle in the wind.

*Deep*

Thinking on it though I have to ask myself, what would I have done if they did become a girlfriend? What was my end game? In a sense it’s like a trophy or the “Perfect Ending” where I would have lived “Happily Ever After!”

*Sadly no it wouldn’t*

But that wouldn’t have happened because I wouldn’t know what to do in the end of the tunnel. As I am now though I think-no I know I would work hard at maintaining a relationship with her, whoever she is.

*What happens after that?*

Going on honesty here since why now; I’m envious of my friends who have found someone in their lives and being happy.

To find that person and experience it all, I might be inviting even more despair or heartache given my own luck on the matter of  unrequited love however through the pain it does shape you and learn from it, no matter if it sucks balls.

Even though it can be painful and I do fall into some pit of despair, I’m not going to believe I won’t find her someday though, no one’s life is meant to be alone or at least how I see it even though I am ignorant with some stuff.

*That is the truth*

I hope this wasn’t boring. I once again am putting myself out there with personal feelings that I only tell to the ones I’m very close too.

*Everyday bliss no matter how mundane it is*

There is a quote that goes with this I find really profound and it’s “Mais ou sont les neiges d’antan” and it’s French for “Where are the Snows of yester years?”, another literal translation and interpretation of where has life gone and I think it has some impact with me.

So that does it for me for today and I’ll be seeing you. No matter what happens if there is really such a thing as “Happily Ever After” a story will continue being woven even after an “end” (at least in a manner of speaking), one can still love someone even if they pass.

Later days.

*Believe in love even if it’s unrequited along with not regretting.*

Advertisements