Hello (to anyone reading), I’m Jeff and here to type up what’s on my mind.
I know I usually do either my hobbies of anime viewing/rambling/movie reviews but feel like I should flesh out myself once in awhile and this is that time.
So how do I begin this?
Too begin I heard of social media most likely around the time Myspace popped up back when I was in trade school years.
For all those who don’t know it was the first “hip” thing on the internet where you could post pics/blogs/music, etc.
I never got into it since that shit was so hyped up you could not grow annoyed with it! Yeah I was an uppity ass but I knew I didn’t care for it like some of the younger teens so I never had it.
Than Youtube appeared and that just changed the diameter of our culture with videos of whatever you like even instructional videos! It’s still popular to this day and I do go to that website for my various interest.
Than the big bomb, Facebook soon appeared which was also a success! Anyone who is anyone had a page and how many people you can get as your “friends”.
Now personally they really can’t be considered friends since they don’t know you per se. I mean I do believe in online friendships that can get into your life and change you for the better though however if they are honest.
It took me like 5 years after it launched till I made one and to this day I mostly use it to keep in contact with old classmates or friends just to see how they are doing.
Granted viewing status updates can be fun since even though something could be going on in your life, something in there’s could be a train wreck which puts your life in perspective so it’s a win-win!
Yeah I know I’m twisted but stay with me!
Anyway after I made my facebook page I did hover on there for awhile, going and liking pages of Funimation or anime related stuff, adding photos, etc. and I was hooked. Didn’t think that social media bug would hit me but it did.
Of course with it I did start learning the unofficial “rules” of social media. Like not to post spoilers along with the term “troll” but I got that more from twitter (which I’ll hit in a moment!)
Given I was raised an only child (and I really try not to fall back on that to get what I’m saying here) I never had anyone to talk or connect with. This also came with me getting into anime and playing RPG’s as escapism.
Sure I met ones later when I was around 18/19 but I think it hit a crescendo when I decided to do Twitter finally. Actually a friend of mine got me into it and I love her for it. Actually she just said one day “Jeffrey, you need to get a twitter! It’s hip!” and that wasn’t an easy thing for her given I was stubborn.
I downright refused to join the masses in something that was a hot fad! Fuck me right? I was wrong on sooo many levels.
So going by my twitter page, @ReimHelix I joined in September 2012. Man I was a total noob, barely figuring out how to do # with some stuff along with live tweeting! I look back with unease and fondness.
With twitter I learned more of the “unofficial” rules along with rules of twitter. Even though you can say what you want, still maintain that you are dealing with other folk and the like.
Than my world grew and to make a long story short I got followers and eventually got to know some who I like talking too or just having fun with.
Now you wonder how you can have fun with only 140 words per tweet? Well I fancy myself a “troll” when it comes to not ever getting “feels” over generic anime stuff or what not.
So I do have a fun time with it and getting my point across. I did make ones I consider friends and keep in contact through the real and the like so what could be so wrong with it?
Well beside becoming too addicted and finding out you check the first thing you wake up in the morning along with wondering if any tweets you said got favorite like a lot for some witty word play.
And it doesn’t happen.
I mean sure, the occasional one but not like I’m a celebrity and posting a pic that gets 1000 RT (retweets) or 300 Favs (favorites).
Yeah when you realize that you rely highly in the recognition of others that’s when you have the itch to be constantly on it. Now I’m not always on it due to I take breaks but I won’t lie that I don’t, when I’m bored, just stay on the webpage looking at tweets and just waiting for someone I know to talk with.
Or just mess around by posting random stuff at the top of your head and you might get the occasional fav.
So in that manner there’s nothing wrong with it right?
I thought that at first (around the fist couple of years) but nowadays I feel so empty inside. Like does it really matter in the long run?
Now this is going to get heavy and ’emo’ so I apologize in advance but I need to get this off my chest.
To begin it’s like when I’m doing Toonami and live tweeting, which is fun if you know what your doing! I mean being snarky, funny and saying your opinions is fun! And it’s with people who like the same stuff you like!
Now I never got in an argument with anyone on it even though I’m flippant, I do try to be polite…sometimes not with SAO but that’s a different story all together. At times you might not get favs or RT during it and it’s fine but a part of me wondered if I wasn’t funny enough or if I’m getting ignored?
Yeah, normally I don’t let it bother me, we all have dry spells when the tweets aren’t on “fire” or what not. Like being a comedian (which I’m not). But those times it can be so much to bear and when comparing to another who got a lot, makes me feel unsettled.
Along with how many followers one has and able to somewhat maintain it. I don’t really care about as I used too cause some are just following to get more followers and sadly they unfollow you just as fast after an appropriate amount of time goes by. We’ll say about a day.
Than when it comes to someone, who you still follow and had decent convo’s with, unexpectedly unfollows you one day and I’m left wondering what I did to make them do that or worse, block you.
Social media can be a good thing, I do believe that but man with all those unnerving “what if’s” and feelings of betrayal, you’re just left wondering. Heaven’s know I’m not perfect; I’ve probably made people mad or annoyed with what I say about some anime or having random troll wars.
But I get more upset that I actually feel I have to constantly feel like I’m competing. Yeah I get jealous or feel like I can do better just to feel important…and that goes back to feeling alone.
Kind of funny that I still feel like a teen before all this social media nonsense.
Here’s another interesting tidbit; I feel like I have a false persona while on twitter with some stuff. Yeah the joking aloof dude, which personally I am , feeling like that? However that’s all others kind of see or I let them see.
I really try not to be emo online since it’s a private matter. Along with my lewd behavior. I do like it but at times it feels like that’s what other’s expect of me or that’s just the “real” you.
I guess this could be more about identification now. I mean, I try to be myself with being knowledgeable with stuff however that goes into the whole “no one listens” being online factor.
When feeling like this makes me feel crummy when I don’t suffer from depression or what not. I think it’s a reflection of my life; I use social media to fill that hole of wanting bonds or something more.
I do cherish the ones I have and wouldn’t trade it for the world but when it seems I enjoy it, I end up getting bored as well.
An actual situation was with a convo group I was a part of, which has now gone to the wayside. First I did like having fun with discussing random shit and the like but when something gets part of the norm it gets boring and when I get bored I become despondent and wind up not participating.
In hindsight I feel sad (along with the convo’s got kind of “feely” for my taste) that it happened and soon I feel like the lowest form of scum that I would throw it away like that.
It’s like being the most happiest person in the world and falling into a pit.
And when I talk like this it feels like I’m revealing another part of myself which is etched with uncertainty and despondence.
I never like that part of myself…I feel weak and fragile. Than I start re-thinking how my life is while in that state of mind and feel worse.
Social media has it’s ups and downs and I can say it can be scary along with fill you with anxiety however at the core it is a way to link with people and actually improve yourself in a way (at least as I say it).
Can’t help but feel to be a single voice in a large crowd of all the people in the world. Sad thing is no one will really acknowledge you except for the ones in your life and that makes it ok.
One way to think of it is I have“Haruhism” I guess! XD
Of course now this will sound like I’m preaching with the “hope” speech I’m about to give but what the hell; I’m already through the looking glass!
I’m human. Nothing to say. I was born, living my life and (unfortunately) I will die.
Memento mori that term sounds like a dead end but it holds many words and symbolisms behind that phrase. We can feel the most happy; the wonders and majestic of this world to seeing how down right cruel and unfair the world can be as well.
Life is not perfect and it down right sucks that there can not be some utopia where peace and understanding will happen. Like you one day wake up and there’s nothing but a feeling of happiness and looking up at the sky and “feeling” the bonds you have with the ones you love, that’s the ideal I have dreamt of once.
However with a sardonic smile I write this, it gets swallowed up by my own cynicism. That’s my own pragmatic mind at work and I like and dislike it at the same time.
Two-sides. It gets…not confusing but more jumbled up in the goings on of life. It’s said life is how you make it and that’s true.
It’s scary trying something new or I can be filled with indecision cause I think the “now” will always last but that’s only being in denial. Time is not infinite but finite for one being “human”, only the God/Goddess/deity’s/whatever you believe only know the true meaning of the word “eternity”.
Granted with all I just wrote I feel…not bad, mildly embarrassed for doing this but I shouldn’t really care (that’s hard by the way, no matter how aloof you are you feel it) what others think or say.
Anyway that’s it. The “insecurities” of Pepsiman.
FYI, I get over them, only natural, but again, wanted to do something different to get my writing juices flowing for other, and I hope, interesting post in the future.
Always hard admitting feelings but it’s not the worst thing is there?
Till next time!! Hope you like the quotes!